Metamoqester

I'd like to introduce Metamoqester, published by Banpresto in 1995, with a quote:
metamoqester_notthisgood.gifNow this game is pretty good.Its a game that allows you to play as 3 different characters in a fightig type of game that pits you and a friend against raging mosters and machines in all out fury. The gameplay and controls are similar to that of a samurai showdown game instead not so complex as in turns of combat. The beasts are amazing and titanic as you go from 5 different stages combating these mythical creatures. You get a samurai showdown feel when playing this game....slightly, thats do to the fact that it may contain unresponsive controls, or slow hit times or w/e, but this game certainly rocks. You guys shouldtry it. Its on MAME btw and can be found on any rom site.

-- Morado

I would like to share my response to Morado's words:

No. You're wrong.


First, let's talk about what this game does right. It has a novel concept. It's not a brawler and not a fighter; rather, the goal is to, either cooperatively or alone, destroy five huge bosses, and a giant baby. You have simple three button input - punch, kick, and jump - and a pretty typical set of fighter moves. Combined with a charge bar that you can fill by holding punch and kick, there's a decent fighter mechanic happening here.

The developers, realizing this, immediately set out to render every good aspect shitty.

They took the graphics, which were good, and made the screen shake so violently that ordinary humans can't tell what's going on. There were many occasions while I was playing this game that I found myself staring blankly through the screen into an imaginary world that doesn't shake. You might read Morado's post and even look at a screenshot, and think that this is a game well worth a play. And to that I say:

No. You're wrong.

Here's a normal screenshot of the game, on the left, and actual frame-accurate video of it on the right, with the shaking slowed down to half speed (1/6th speed in IE):

metamoqester_shake.gif

BWARF.

Although we had infinite virtual finances, we only had so many minutes on this earth. Dying was fine, as you respawn almost immediately. Unless both of you die. Then you have to start the whole stage over, which in the case of the last boss, was easily ten minutes. Ten minutes we could have spent playing strip mahjong, browsing macrochan, or eating cereal, lost to a giant baby.

The other aspect of the game, the gameplay, they also rendered useless. Instead of giving you a variety of situations in which to use your character's unique skills, they gave you the same situation five times in a row. That situation is: a boss the size of a building, who fills the level and shakes the screen until you quit. No cooperative attacks, no strategy, just straight up button mashing, punctuated by seizures and more quarters.

Shadow of the Colossus is an excellent example of how the idea of "fight only bosses" can be made into an exquisite game experience. The developers of this game, who live in a fetid place (probably Asia), decided to reduce it to its lowest common denominator. No cooperative attacks, no interesting interactions with the bosses, no clever element in the stages. Just pure, button-mashing, screen-shaking, seizure-inducing boredom.

Speaking of giant babies, this is what it was like to fight the giant baby:

metamoquester_babyrape.gif

In a hilarious reversal of normal events, the baby rapes you! It spams screen-blasting attack after spammy screen-blasting attack, against which there is no defense. Even blocking will cost you a quarter of your health. The only effective strategy we found was to jump around hitting buttons like crazy with no regard for our own lives - our initial strategy of one player distracting the fetus while the other charged up his lasers/super attack turned out to be a huge waste of time. But eventually we won. Yes. Eventually.

The ending. There are six endings; the others are all lamer than this one. This ending - it's like a DIY photoshop kit. What is she looking down at? You decide.

metamoquester-ending.gif

FOX BLOCKED. If I killed a bunch of giant monsters with a chick, and then her freaking pet squirrel-fox bit my face, I'd be pretty pissed.

First person to photoshop this gif gets a free prize, by which we mean, a prize of zero value.


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